Martha Stewart's Guest
by Kayden Eidyak
Summary: Our favorite pirate is a guest on Martha Stewart's show. A funny little piece my muses made me write. complete


****

Disclaimer: I do not own Jack or anything Martha Stewart…except for maybe one of her flower pots…Don't sue me.

****

Martha Stewart's Guest

By Kayden Eidyak

Martha Stewart rifled through her notes one last time before going onto the set. She was so excited about her guest for that day. Everyone was going to _love_ him.

"What's this?" she heard someone ask.

"No, don't touch that!"

CRASH!

Martha cringed as what sounded like quite a lot of expensive equipment crashed to the ground. She was looking forward to having this guest on the show, but everyone else could hardly wait to get rid of him.

"Sorry 'bout that."

Martha adjusted her collar and tidied her hair before walking onto the set. Her guest was already in place, various people flitting around, adjusting his clothes and hair, each one getting swatted away like an obnoxious fly.

She took up her place beside him, put on her best smile and waited for her cue.

****

Introduction

"Today on Martha Stewart Living, I have a special guest, Jack Sparrow from the…"

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

"That's _Captain _Jack Sparrow, if you please, love."

"Of course. _Captain_ Jack Sparrow from the Caribbean. On today's episode, we are going to be making hardtack and discussing some different spreads and add-ins that can go along with them for those special occasions. We will also be learning about the different types of seaweed and how to grow them, as well as basic ship decorating and organizing tips. Afterwards, Mr. Sparrow will be showing us how to make scale size model ships."

"I will?"

"Yes, you will. As well as hair braiding techniques. All that and more coming up."

insert theme music here

****

Cooking Segment

"Hardtack, or ship's bread as it was sometimes called, was a staple food product for most sailors before refrigeration came into use. While hard, bland and very dry, it lasts forever. Here we have the basic ingredients needed for making our own hardtack. Have you ever made hardtack, Jack?"

"Uh, no. Can't say that I have. I only eat it. And it's _captain_, by the way"

"Well, today you're going to learn, and I shall strive to remember that."

"Wonderful."

"In a mixing bowl, place--"

"What's a mixing bowl?"

"It's a bowl to mix things in."

"Oh."

"Now then, in a mixing bowl, place four cups of whole wheat flour. It's very important for it to be whole wheat because it has better nutrition than regular white flour. To that, add four teaspoons of salt and about two cups of water. Be sure to add the water gradually because you don't want the dough to be too loose. Turn it out onto a board and roll or pat it out to about half an inch thick. Cut the dough into three-inch squares, and poke holes on both sides. Bake them on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper in a three hundred and seventy-five degree oven for thirty minutes, turn them over and bake for another thirty minutes on the other side. Over here, we have a batch that's already baked up.

"Well, you just think of everything, don't ya?"

"Yes, Mr…_Captain_ Sparrow, I do. Be sure to cool the hardtack thoroughly before packaging to prevent moisture from building up and causing them to spoil.

"It doesn't matter."

"What doesn't matter, Mr. Sparrow?"

"Captain, love."

"Whatever."

"I mean it doesn't matter how much you cool them before packaging. If the water doesn't get to them, the weevils will."

"Well, insect trap sticky tape all around the box should take cave of weevils. And if you pack the hardtack in an airtight container, water shouldn't get to them either."

"If you say so, love."

"Mr. Sparrow…"

"Ahem."

"_CAPTAIN_ Jack Sparrow. Will you kindly refrain from calling me that? We're on national television."

"We are?"

"Well, yes, we are! Why else did you think I wanted you here?!"

"You found me absolutely charming and couldn't be without me, of course."

"Humph!"

"S'ok. You aren't the only one that hasn't wanted to admit it.

"We really should get back to explaining about the hardtack."

"Oh, right."

"Anyway, this is the most basic recipe for hardtack. There are lots of things you can add to make them…uh…tasty."

"It wouldn't be ship's bread if it were tasty."

"Mr. Sparrow, it is not your turn to speak. I will inform you at once when it is."

"bored sigh"

"You can add things such as honey, butter, and sesame seeds to the dough to give it a bit more flavor, and they can also be spread with fruit and jam for a real treat. Hardtack can also be used like a biscotti to--"

"What's biscotti?"

"It's a hard biscuit type thing like hardtack that can be dipped into your morning coffee."

"What about my afternoon coffee?"

"Yes, of course."

"And my late evening coffee also?"

"I suppose."

"What about my rum?"

"You're hopeless, Captain Sparrow."

"Thank you, love."

****

commercial break

Seaweed Growing

"Seaweed. A beautiful plant that comes in so many different varieties. Because you rarely see these gorgeous forms of vegetation, they are often overlooked as an asset to the home garden. Today, I will show you how to plant, grow, tend and harvest various forms of seaweed for sushi and other seaweed dishes."

"What's sushi?"

"They're little bits of seafood rolled up in seaweed and rice, Jack."

"Sounds…interesting. Sounds Japanese."

"It is Japanese."

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Anyway, here I have several of the shorter varieties, including Spirulina, Agar Agar, Chlorella, and Noti. Since seaweed is, of course, a water plant, it must be grown in a pond or a tank. Here I have an extra tall, square tank that will work nicely."

"Wow, that's fascinating. All that water in a glass box."

"Yes Jack, it's called a tank. We could even put fish in it."

****

"Sharks?"

"Probably not. Seaweed gets all its nutrients from the water, so it's very important to keep the water moving around them so they get an adequate amount of nutrition. Seaweed doesn't need to be planted like a regular plant. They prefer to anchor themselves to rocks, so it's nice to have several inside the tank or pond. Here I have several colorful rocks that add nicely to the display." 

"I don't think the seaweed cares if the rocks are colored."

"But I do. It makes my garden look pretty. When the plants get to their desired height, you may cut off what you need using a sharp pair of pruning shears. If you leave the roots intact, the seaweed will continue to produce even if you take all the leaves and stems.

"Or you could just go to the ocean and take whatever you want, whenever you want."

"This is for people who don't have regular access to a body of saltwater, though."

"Well if they're daft enough to not want to live by or on the sea, then I don't think they should have the privilege of making seashee."

"Sushi."

"That's what I said."

"But not everyone feels the same way about water as you do though, Jack."

"That's not my problem."

"No one ever said it was your problem."

"I know that."

"But…"

"Are we going to talk about something else now?"

"Uh…yes."

"Good."

****

commercial break

****

Up Next – Later

"Up next Martha tells us all about the care and keeping of ships. And later, Jack Sparrow shows us hair braiding techniques and model ship building."

****

Ship Decorating/Organizing

"Jack has kindly invited us to the _Black Pearl_ where I am going to do a complete redecorating, and - "

"No I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Invite you to the _Pearl_."

"Yes, Jack, you did, remember?"

"I most certainly did not. You can't redecorate my ship, either."

"But Jack, I need a ship to redecorate."

"Use the Interceptor."

"It got blown up."

"So?"

"I can hardly decorate a ship that's in five billion pieces."

"I can't help that."

"Well, it will only be temporary. You may have your ship back when we're done." 

"Hmmm."

"As I was saying, we are going to redecorate the _Black Pearl_. Mr. Sparrow won't let us repaint, but there are several things you can do to make a place like this much more organized and pretty."

"Pretty?"

"Be quiet, Mr. Sparrow."

"_Captain_."

"NOW THEN, there are some things that can be done. We'll start at the helm. Look at this wheel. Ideally, it needs to be sanded and refinished, but _Captain_ Sparrow had objections to that as well. So, what we _can_ do is put these lovely little handle grips on the spokes. That way, when _Captain_ Sparrow is steering his ship through a tropical storm, he won't lose his grip."

"But I don't lose my grip."

"And over here, we have this great little caddy where Jack's _effects_ can be kept--"

"You're ignoring me."

"Yes, I am. Here is a nice little tray to keep his compass on, a hook for his hat and sword, and a container where he can keep his pistol. There's also a cup holder for his rum --"

"RUM?!"

"_After_ the show!"

"Oh, right."

"Then in the wonderful little hidden compartment here, he can keep odds and ends that he doesn't want to lose while steering the ship."

"Where do you think I'm going to go while I'm steering that I'll lose something?"

"Well, I don't know. If the sea is rocking the boat…I mean, ship, you don't want it to fall out and go overboard."

"No, I 'spose not."

~

"Over here at the figurehead--"

"Don't touch her."

"But Jack, look, she's all--"

"Nope. Absolutely not. The figurehead is part of who the _Pearl_ is. You go changing that and she'll never be the same."

"Oh very well. We'll go to your cabin instead."

"groans"

~

"First off, nothing matches. I mean, the table's mahogany, the bed's oak, the chair's cherry. It just won't do at all."

"I like them. It makes it eclectic. What fun would it be if everything was made of mahogany?"

"Well, I suppose it does give the place a certain flair."

"Flair, yes."

"But the colors. Those simply must be the same. You just cannot have red bed sheets and blue chair seats.

"They aren't red, they're burgundy. And the chair happens to be _azure_. And I like them very much, thank you."

"But Jack, they don't match."

"I don't care."

"Fine! Fine, that's fine. Uh, instead we'll focus on how better we can organize your table."

"If you insist."

"I insist. Now, your ink bottle should really be in a tip-proof container so it doesn't spill."

"Messy, that is."

"Yes, very. So next time you buy an ink bottle, make sure the bottom's weighted."

"All right."

"But in the meantime, we can take a tin can--"

"Where'd you get that?"

"I had it put here earlier."

"No, I mean where'd you get it?"

"It's just a regular tin can. I think there were peas in this one."

"Peas grow in a…can?"

"No Jack, the peas were preserved in the can. To keep them from spoiling so they could be eaten anytime."

"That's interesting."

"I'll send you home with one after we're finished."

"I'd like that."

"Now then, take a tin can, decorate the outside to match the surrounding décor - burgundy and _azure - _as it is here, put a large handful of pebbles inside and voila! Instant ink bottle weight."

"I never would have thought of that."

"That's why I showed you."

"Very clever."

"I know. You see here how Mr. Sparrow has his maps strewn all over the place? Well, that's not very orderly at all. Suppose there was a leak and they got wet? And how is he to find the one he needs at a moment's notice?"

"I can find them just fine."

"Mr. Sparrow, would you for once just play along and _pretend_ that you need these things?"

"Sorry."

"Good. Over here we have a large wooden box with several four by four inch compartments. This handy organizer can easily be mounted on a wall for easy access. Simply roll each map up, slide it into a slot, label it below and you can get whichever map you need, whenever you need it, as soon as you need it. And the box is made of mahogany so it'll match your table, Mr. Sparrow."

"That is nice."

"Yes it is."

"I mean it's nice that you've got all these things made up ahead of time, just sitting there."

"Yes, that's nice too."

~

"Here in the galley, you can see a lot of work is needed."

"S'not my place to go redoin' the bloke's cookin' space."

"But it's mine, Mr. Sparrow, don't worry about it. Your cook will_ love_ it. Pots and pans all over the place. Spoons and ladles scattered about. If we attach these lovely little--"

"There you go with the "lovely little" stuff again."

"As I was saying, if we attach these _darling tiny_ hooks along the wall, there's more than enough room to hang all the cook's equipment and utensils."

"They're going to bang and clatter all day now instead of just falling off the tables during storms."

"Mr. Sparrow, I'm sure you'll manage. We'll put the dishes and other breakable things in latching cupboards with these adorable ship's wheel handles."

"I'm not going to know me own ship when you're done, I'm afraid."

"That's the intention."

"Uh-huh. Wonderful."

"Well if you want we can stop. I'm sure we've shown everyone enough things they can do on their own ships and they should be able to carry on by themselves."

"Doubtless."

"Okay then lets take a look at the sails."

~

****

Canvas Care

"It's always very important to keep sails in tip-top shape so they sail their best, isn't that right Mr. Sparrow?"

"Quite right."

"So tell me, Captain, how did this ship sail for all those years with her sails in tatters?"

"Very good question, Martha. I have no idea."

"Oh, well. Barbossa should have taken better care of her. I mean, she was fast _with_ holes, think of how fast she would have been without them."

"Aye, that's a good point. I'll tell him that next I see him."

"He's dead, though."

"Note the sarcasm."

"Oh, of course."

"Though, I have heard he's back for the sequel, so we'll see how that works out. Maybe I'll get a chance to tell him anyway."

"Uh…yes, perhaps you will. Um, back to the sails. It's very important to mend all rips as soon as possible so they don't get bigger. Take your needle and--"

"You aren't going to fix 'em with that, are you?"

"Why, what's wrong with it?"

"That's a lady's embroidery needle. It'll never get through the canvas. And you'll need something stronger than that thread you've got there, too."

"This is the finest silk thread money can buy, Mr. Sparrow."

"That's my point, love. Now what you really need are these."

"Do you usually keep sail repair supplies in your pocket?"

"Yes, I do. Never know when you might need 'em."

"So how's your needle different than mine?"

"Well, look how much thicker it is. It's made to go through tough stuff like canvas. And this here is sorta like a thimble. It keeps me hands from getting all poked up. Called a sailor's palm."

"Oh, I see. And what sort of thread are you using?"

"It's waxed linen. Very strong, holds up well. Then you just put the canvas together like this, and sew it together."

"Oh, you're a using a whipstitch type of thing."

"Is that what it's called?"

"Yes. How very fascinating. Thank you very much for showing me the correct way of doing that."

"Well, you're welcome."

****

Barnacle Removal Tips

"Careening a ship is something that would take sailor many days or even weeks to do. All rotten boards had to be replaced, holes repaired, and most importantly, barnacles removed so there was less drag on the ship. Typically, barnacles were removed by prying and scraping with whatever tools were available. It was slow tedious work and had to be done quite frequently."

"Aye, devil's spawn, those damn bloody things."

"Mr. Sparrow, let's watch our language, shall we?"

"Oh, sorry. Horrible, rotten little buggers, though."

"Yes, I know. That's why we're going to talk about this wonderful new machine that can remove them without having to pry or scrape."

"Really?"

"Yes, here we have the AS 18 HB Commercial Hull Cleaner and Prop Polisher."

"What's a prop?"

"It's the propeller thing that makes a boat move."

"Oh, you mean the rudder."

"No, Mr. Sparrow, I mean a prop. It makes the boat move."

"No, the wind in the sails makes a ship move."

"Your ship, yes, Mr. Sparrow, our boats, no. But never mind that. Do you know what this thing can do, though?"

"I have…no idea."

"Well the AS 18 HB Commercial Hull Cleaner and Prop Polisher comes with a barnacle cutter attachment that can remove a three to six square foot space of barnacles that's six inches thick in one minute. Not only that, it will take off Zebra Muscles and Tubeworms. It can also remove them from aluminum, fiberglass, steel, _wood_ hulls--"

****

"Like the _Pearl_?"

"Yes, Jack. Exactly like the _Pearl._ It will also take them off of seawalls and bridge pilings."

"Can I try it?"

"I have to show you how it works first."

"Oh fine."

"As you propel this thing across the surface of whatever it is you're cleaning, the cutter bars shatter the barnacles, while these cutting wheels here rotate, scraping and chipping at the left over bits of shell and adhesive. All the water moving through the machine creates a bit of a suction so it stays on the surface, and the cutting wheels act like coasters so it's easy to move."

"You mean with that I don't have to chisel them off her hull anymore?"

"No Mr. Sparrow, you don't. But it has to be used underwater and it has a hydraulic motor so I don't know if this sort of thing will work where you're from."

"Oh, you don't think so?"

"I doubt it."

"Oh well. It was good while it lasted."

commercial break

For lots of great information, subscribe to our Martha Stewart Living Magazine by calling the one eight hundred number on your screen.

****

Hair Braiding – A Good Thing

"Your hair has been a subject of controversy, hasn't it, Mr. Sparrow?"

"Yes, people think it makes me look at bit mad. But it's a great way to attach things to yourself without them getting lost. Take this bead for example. Very special. Got it from me first raid. Where would I put it on me clothing so I'd never lose it? Nah, it'd never work. Put it in me hair, and it never goes anywhere."

"Very clever, Captain. Though, it does make you look mad."

"I'd like to think I have other more charming qualities that allow people to overlook my hair."

"Of course. So how do you get those things in there?"

"Very simple. You slide the bead or whatever it is onto your hair and tie it with a piece of string. Then you can't wash or brush your hair for several weeks. It's helpful to live on a ship in this case 'cause the salt spray helps to speed up the process. After a while, your hair gets all tangled and the bead is stuck fast. By that time the string may be stuck too, but it can be cut out if ye have to."

"I see. Well, putting things in your hair for safe keeping – it's a good thing."

"Aye, that it is."

****

Model Ships

"Martha, I have something to confess."

"What's that?"

"I've never built a model ship."

"You do know how, though, don't you?"

"Er…well, that is…sure. Of course I can."

"Oh wonderful."

"Yes. Most wonderful."

"So, here we have all the supplies I thought Jack would need for his ships. We've got glue, bits of canvas, several kinds of wood, dowel sticks, tiny pieces of rope and some miniature wheels that I found at a tag sale."

"What's a tag sale?"

"It's my fancy phrase for a garage sale. Or a yard sale, if you prefer."

"Huh?"

"Never mind, it's not important. I've even got some black canvas here so Jack can show us how to make a replica of the _Black Pearl_."

"Oh, that's great."

"So first off, tell us what kind of ship the _Pearl_ is."

"She's a…well, she's just a ship."

"What kind, though?"

"One of a kind, love. One of a kind."

"I see. I think. So how do we start?"

"Oh, um, take a block of wood and carve it into a ship shape, I think."

"Like this one here?"

"Yes, very much like. Do you always keep the finished product hidden under the table?"

"Usually."

"Oh. Right. Um, bore some holes into it and we can use these stick things as masts."

"Four, right?"

"Three. And then we can attach these littler sticks to the big ones."

"With glue?"

"Uh, sure. And attach the sails to the little sticks."

"With more glue?"

"Whatever works. And then you take the rope and…well, you make rigging."

"How?"

"I don't know. I can't do it on something like this."

"But it's supposed to be scale size."

"That doesn't help. Here, just wrap the rope around here, twist it over this, knot it across this little post here and…it sorta looks like rigging."

"Will it float?"

"Maybe. Possibly. Unlikely."

"Well, they still look nice."

"If you say so."

"Well, thank you for joining me today, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow. I've had a wonderful time learning the proper way to mend sails and make model ships"

"You're welcome, thanks for having me. Would there be any chance I could get one of those nifty barnacle remover things?"

"Probably not."

"What about the peas that grow in cans?"

"I think we could arrange it."

"Oh good." 

~

the end

****

Author's Note: Let's see. Thanks to Erin for helping me tweak a few nautically incorrect things, Rennie's help on sail mending, and the various others on the Black Pearl Sails fanfic group who helped with barnacle removal. Thanks to EstelWolfe for betaing. The AS 18 HB Commercial Hull Cleaner and Prop Polisher is a real tool capable of doing all the things stated, and more. Information regarding this piece of machinery can be found at: http:// www. . Just remove the spaces if you are so inclined to look at them. That is a real hardtack recipe as well. Go ahead and try it. Tell me what you think. *winks* For you diehard Martha Stewart fans out there, I do realize I took her out of character by her not knowing the proper way to mend a sail. That was done intentionally so Jack could get a moment in the spotlight. Besides, for all we know, they planned it like that. g Hope you enjoyed it.

Kayden Eidyak


End file.
